If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
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Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶