If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
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Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.