If you need a laugh.. 😅
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My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”