Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
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Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.