“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
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When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
sigh
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Finally a use for spoilers…
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.