If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
馃槜馃挩
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Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
me: my friend died in her sleep 馃檨
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here鈥檚 some noise
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I鈥檒l get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I鈥檇 just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I鈥檓 almost 45 years old and I鈥檝e never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.