I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
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Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
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You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
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Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.