Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
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I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?