Legend 🤣🤣
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I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
this FaceApp is creepy af
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”