Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
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It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
I’m good, thanks.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT