Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
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Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
This sounds bad:
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket