Looking at a guy in great shape: 馃敟馃敟
Looking at a girl in great shape: 馃槏馃槏
Looking at workout equipment: 馃槓
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Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
When a stranger changes in front of you, they鈥檙e either interested or you鈥檙e friend zoned.
It鈥檚 hard to tell from this tree.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
GUY: I think I鈥檓 done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let鈥檚 sell the largest skeletons
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I鈥檓 regretting my choice of words.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That鈥檚 not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I鈥檓 right here
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.