Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
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Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
How dramatic are you?
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you