me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
You Might Also Like
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”