Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
You Might Also Like
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
translated into Canadian
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men