Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
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(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet