Me: don’t ππΌ judge π other π people π be kind βπΌπ
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
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My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Yβall answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
My 4yo said βdaddy, I have two poops on my phoneβ and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
we’re gonna need another temp
Iβm not here to offend anyone; Iβm here to offend everyone.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back donβt worry. I wonβt do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Me taking notes in a meeting π
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Norwegian chickens be like BgΓ₯rk
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: whatβs up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.