Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
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My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.