me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
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Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.