Me: sorry I鈥檓 late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don鈥檛 believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 馃樁
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According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
I鈥檇 be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
smh
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you鈥檙e walking.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
My sex drive has a dui
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Where鈥檇 he go? 馃槀馃挍
doggosbeingdoggos
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 馃摑馃槶
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they鈥檙e sure lucky I don鈥檛 have a life
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 馃檨
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.