Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It鈥檚 not the dress, it鈥檚 the woman wearing it.
Me: 馃槉
16: So you鈥檙e pretty much screwed, I don鈥檛 know what to tell you.
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878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
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When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
me doing my best
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I鈥檓 eating. And I鈥檓 going to keep screwing up that line. And they鈥檙e going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn鈥檛 put one on in the first place?
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
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I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
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9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
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Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
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they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
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Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.