ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
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My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.