Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
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you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
*ernest hemingway voice*
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend