my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
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Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
This is amazing.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me