My fortune cookie fortune:
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| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
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Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god