My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
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look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?