My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
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I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Happy thanksgiving!
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Had a spot of bother earlier.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again