Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
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Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
getting mixed messages. sometimes it’s ok to leave work early but “not three days early”
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Why do we only have lifeguards around water? I could use someone keeping an eye on me around escalators.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?