Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
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“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
🤣🤣🤣
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Wikigenius
When they try to steal your moment.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
LOL
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.