Never let them know your next move 😂
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Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
When they try to steal your moment.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
October already? What’s next? November????
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice