No, you’re not getting it your honor
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Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
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Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
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Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
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Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”