Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother
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kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
ok hear me out: Luigiana
This is Sparta
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old