Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
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Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
socratic questions
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teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?