Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
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I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.