Oh no 😂😂💔😭
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I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
oppen heimer style lol