the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
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I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
same energy
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see