Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.
He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.
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You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
never stops being funny
Kids, do not try this at home!
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*