one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man
You Might Also Like
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Tier 3 meme
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
This was a bad idea all around
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.