[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
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*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.