husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
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My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
I saw this ending much differently.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.