Pandas 🐼🖤
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[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Every work meeting this week
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.