People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
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this is so top tier i cant
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.