If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
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Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Attacked by a mop.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Harsh but fair
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*