Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
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hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
i spent way too long on this
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?