Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
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Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls