Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
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worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet