Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
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*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??