[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
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It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*