Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
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I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)