Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
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“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”